I’m the same person from “Sometimes Winging It … Works”, though truthfully, this story has little to nothing to do with the former. This past winter I’d placed an order for myself and my aunt and uncle, who I was living with at the time, at the local pizza place, just a few minutes walk […]
Read Do We Need To Call Olivia Benson?
Client: “You look like you’re twelve. My nine-year-old granddaughter is your size.”
Yesterday I took the bus. Three people got on a popular bus line just after me, right before downtown. The third person is hovering over their friends, in the aisle, wearing a large backpack. You can see where this is going. For clarification, the row behind their friends is free. The next stop, many people […]
Inspired by this story, this happened at school in the 1970s. For one class, the teacher had us do an IQ test (wasn’t a formal assessment, I think he was just killing time as he was a substitute). I recognised the test was from an Eysenck book (Check Your Own IQ or something) that I’d […]
A handful of years ago, one of my coworkers was screwing around more than he should have been and ended up injuring his foot. We wear steel toed boots at our job, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t injure your foot. My coworker comes walking into the office with a slight limp. He tells […]
Read Okay, Real Pillow Talk: Did You Expect This To Work?
Customer: "I need to return this. It fell apart."
Me: "…It fell apart?"
Customer: "Yes. I bought it two days ago, and it’s already ruined. That’s poor quality."
Me: "There are bite marks. Was this… near a pet?"
Read In Both Lines, And Still Out Of Line
Usher: "We have two events happening simultaneously. Which one are you here for?"
Girl: "[Video Game Store]."
Usher: "Then please go to the back of the line." *Gestures down the corner.*
Girl: *Getting angry.* "Why can’t I go in? I’m here now!"
Read Notes From A Liquor Store
You get some wild characters working retail. Some old favorites of mine at the liquor store I used to work at:
Read A Policy Written In Blood And Butter
Customer: "I want a small popcorn. But can you put it in a large tub?"
Me: "Sorry, sir, I can’t do that. The large tub comes with free refills; we have to charge by the container."
Customer: "But I don’t want a refill. I just want a small portion in the bigger tub so it doesn’t spill."
Read It’s Almost As If A Mischievous Spirit Was At Play
Sometime after the start of Act Two, a character is supposed to sing a tango number, but her lavalier mic (microphone worn by the actors) doesn't work for the duration of the song.
Rather than stop the show to troubleshoot, a stagehand dances his way on stage during the choreography and gives her a handheld mic.
Which doesn't work either.
Read It Pays To Know When To Aim For The Stars
Guest: "Hey, so... quick question. When are the stars gonna line up like that again?"
Me: "You mean the alignment from the show? That was a simulation of the night sky from [very long time ago] years ago."
Guest: "Yeah, but like... when’s the next time that same pattern is gonna happen in real life?"
Me: "Well... technically, not for a few thousand years."
Read This Story Goes Straight To 100
The "first hundred days" thing isn't only used by politicians. When my old boss retired five years ago, we got a new boss (who is awesome, and the best boss ever). Things have gone pretty well for him since about day a-hundred-and-one. The first hundred, though... well, after them, he stopped being a fan of using that metric.
Read A Cathode Ray Dude
We got chatting with the twenty-something guy at the checkout (as you do in a small town), and Dad was cheerfully grousing about having hauled this massive TV all the way from Ohio only to replace it here at the other end of the move.
Cashier: "Oh wow! If it still works, you could probably get some good money for that! Some people collect those for retro gaming, because the old gaming systems don't work on newer TVs."
Read A Cathode Ray Dude
Coworker: "They’re just jokes! You guys are so serious all the time, come on!"
Management: *Says something.*
Coworker: "How are people actually mad?"
Management: *Says something.*
Coworker: "Oh my gosh. What a bunch of babies."
Read It’s Best To Remain Neutral On The Subject
Customer: "Do you sell alkaline water?"
Me: "Yes, we have alkaline ionised drinking water by [brand]."
Customer: "Oh, good! I need those and lemons. [Celebrity] says she starts her day drinking alkaline water with a zest of lemon, and it starts her day just right."
I grew up and went to university in Germany, studying English. One of my lecturers, who had recently been hired, is from new jersey and has not been in Germany longer than a month or two. During the first “getting to know each other” session, the class and the lecturer talk about cultural differences between […]
Read Receptionist Needs Better Phone Reception
Receptionist: "Oh, hi [Coworker's Name]. Running late today?"
Pause.
Receptionist: "Oh! Oh my God! You poor thing! Oh, that's horrible!"
The receptionist actually starts crying. By now, everyone is paying attention.
Read Her Milkshake Brings All The Cops To The Yard
The employee at the window asks her to pull around to one of the waiting spots. She refuses, saying:
Customer: "No! It always takes longer if I pull around."
Employee: *Very patiently.* "Pulling around won’t delay your order, but it will let us serve the people behind you whose food is ready."
Customer: "It's not really fair to prepare their orders before mine when I was here first."
Read A Soy Ploy
Customer: *Taking a toothpick but not eating it.* "Is your chicken… real?"
Me: "Yes, sir. It’s grilled fresh."
Customer: "Okay, but is it like, actual chicken? Or that mystery meat stuff?"
Read A Soy Ploy
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