Ever since I can remember, my older brothers were big time show-offs. In school they were the cocky and popular star athletes who also got good marks. They would have a new girl on their arms every other week and acted like they hot s***. They unbearable to be around, especially since they would regularly […]
Read Names Have Been Replaced With Places(Holders)
When I was at University, I once had a housemate whose surname in Italian sounded like it was stating the place he came from. To make it understandable for the English reader, think his name was something like "John from Miami".
Read Anal-gesic
Patient: "Well, yeah, the pills I got last time were huge! I have to break them in half to swallow them!"
Read Anal-gesic
As my dad worked for the German ambassy, I used to live in the United Arab Emirates and went to a German school there. As the school was pretty much made up only of the children from the people working for the ambassy, it was quite small (think: roughly 100 pupils across grade 1 to […]
We went to Albania for a holiday, and being our first time, I pre-booked a taxi from the airport through a travel provider. On the day before we flew, the taxi company got in touch and asked for confirmation of the address, which we sent. They then asked for GPS co-ordinates through WhatsApp, which I […]
Read The Suite Smell Of Full Occupancy
Me: "Sir, we're completely sold out. We're at 100% occupancy. I quite literally do not have any more rooms to sell. Unfortunately, I can't take a walk-in at this time."
Guest: "Even for a… Platinum Elite?"
Me: "Yes. I am sorry. We do not have any rooms available."
Guest: "Come on, are you sure? You have to have something! I'm a Platinum Elite!"
Customer: Can you tell me what screws I need to hang this mirror? Me: No problem let me just look at the packaging. (I see that all the fittings are included in the box) Me: It looks like all the screws and fittings are in the box already. I couldn’t tell you what size they […]
I work for a small city Council, one way we try to keep our citizens informed of what is going on etc is by a weekly email that people can sign up to. My department doesn’t often put anything out on these newsletters but when we do we make it as clear as possible who […]
Read A Binding Agreement
I had a guy come in with a printed copy of his online basket from our website, mostly binders, not yet purchased.
Customer: "I need you to beat this price."
Me: "I can't, sir."
Customer: "You can. I'm a loyal customer and easily spend over ten grand here a year."
Read A Binding Agreement
A coworker in Payroll has just gotten off the phone with one of our employees. Coworker: That guy was yelling at me “HOW AM I GOING TO BUY BREAD?”. I feel like that was an oddly specific complaint. Me: You should have told him to eat cake instead. Coworker: That’s a good idea! I think […]
Read A Full Tank Of Competence
Me: "Hi, I'll get fifty in [fuel type]. I'm the blue [Toyota] on pump six."
Cashier: *Blinks.*
Me: "Everything okay?"
Cashier: "You… read the sign to pay inside."
Read The Bank With Fringe Benefits
Caller: "Yeah, so I got a haircut today, and I don't like it."
Me: "I'm sorry, ma'am, but you're calling [Bank]."
Caller: "Yeah, I know. I paid for the haircut using my [Bank] card."
Read No Subbing The Coupon For A Free Sub
Customer: "I have a coupon for a free sandwich."
Cashier: "Great, may I see it?"
Customer: "But I don't know where it is."
Cashier: "So... you don't have a coupon?"
Manager: "He picks up trash, I give him a free food thing, it's all approved, don't worry about it."
Read The Wrong Spin On It
Caller: "Do you repair washing machines?"
Me: "No, ma'am, we don't."
Caller: "But you're listed as a machine shop!"
Me: "Our business fabricates metal parts for various machinery. We don't do appliance repairs."
Read The Wrong Spin On It
Read Hard Drive A Hard Bargain
Customer: "I'll offer you $40 cash, no more."
When cheapskates try this, I'm supposed to call the store owner over straight away.
Owner: "No. Just no. You knew what the bill was when you left it with us. I don't waste time on people like you. Pay up."
Read CSI: Customer Shopping Interruption
In the morning, my manager told me to show up to my shift as usual, so I got there at 8:30 AM, and the police were parked outside, there’s broken glass everywhere; just looking into the shop, you could see the mess. The scene was cordoned off with police tape.
Read Offline Parenting
Me: "What is the big f****** deal about looking it up on their website?"
Dad: "Only nerdy-a** tech geeks who can't get girlfriends use the internet. It's not a real thing for real people."
Me: "You realize it's not 1992 anymore, right?"
Read Offline Parenting
Read I’m Looking For An Answer, It’s Blue
I'm in a book club, and five of us entered as a team in a local quiz evening. One question should have been an absolute steal for us, but...
Read The Cherry On Top
I'm eating in a diner, and there's a large sign next to the menu:
Sign: "Food will not be remade if you've eaten more than two bites of it."
Me: *Talking to the waitress while pointing at the sign.* "That happen often?"
Read The Cherry On Top
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}